Baby, You Can Drive a Car

Written by Bob Eckstein

Many years ago Saturday Night Live got a lot of mileage (pun intended) out of a car-driving cat named Toonces (written by Jack Handey). 

Now that we are finally traveling more, there has never been a bigger calling for cats to drive automobiles. Yet there is still no written driving test for cats. Until now. 

The following test would be administered for felines obtaining the new Class Y driver’s license.

Art by Bob Eckstein

Feline Driver's Test

1. The safest speed to drive your car:

  1. Is the posted speed limit.
  2. Depends on the weather and road conditions.
  3. Depends if your paws can reach the pedals.


2. As you enter an intersection with four-way stop signs, you see a car to your left. 

  1. You climb onto the sunny window sill of the testing room and stay there the rest of the exam. Your day is over.
  2. You meander to the front of the room and rub against the leg of test proctor, purring.
  3. You proceed through the intersection since you have the right of way. 


3. The car behind you begins to pass you. You should:

  1. Meow.
  2. Maintain your speed so traffic will flow smoothly.
  3. Slow down slightly then hiss.
  4. Floor it. 
  5. Sit on the horn.


4. Assuming that the street is level, what should you do after you have finished parallel parking in a space between two other cars?

  1. Pee outside your litter-box.
  2. Scratch and destroy the car’s rich Corinthian leather.
  3. Pounce on the gas pedal.
  4. Sit on the horn.


5. If a truck or bus in front of you is making a wide right turn where you also need to make a right turn, you should:

  1. Quickly turn before the truck or bus is able to.
  2. Squeeze between the truck or bus and the curb and find yourself stuck until someone like the Fire Dept. comes to your rescue.
  3. Play with a big ball of yarn for hours.


6 . You are driving in the middle lane of a three-lane expressway. A car begins to pass you on the right but the driver flashes a red laser on the road.

  1. Immediately jump from the vehicle to chase it.
  2. Swerve into the other car, forcing it off the road then leap out the window to chase the laser.
  3. If that wasn’t enough, you freak out because you misread the Car Wash sign you pass for Cat Wash.


7. Now you’re riding a motorcycle. Do you wear a helmet when motoring at night? 

  1. No, because you think you would look silly.
  2. No, because you may have to cough up a fur-ball.
  3. No, because the helmet squishes your little kitten ears.
  4. Why should you? The child riding in your sidecar is not wearing one.


8. The primary cause of automobile collisions is:  

  1. Chickens crossing the road.
  2. Curiosity 
  3. Laser pointers
  4. Dogs using their cell phones while driving.
  5. Other drivers going into shock when they see a cat driving an RV.


9. To operate a tractor you must have at least

  1. A Class CDL license
  2. A cute matching reflective safety vest and collar
  3. A pretty big yard
  4. Really? You have me driving a tractor now?
  5. All of the above


10. You are driving a commercial vehicle containing tanks of gas down a 25 degree decline. You should…

  1. Avoid any sudden turns.
  2. Take a nap in the sleeper berth.
  3. Downshift immediately, if you can reach the stick-shift.
  4. Use your cat-like ability to calculate perceived braking distance from next vehicle and sit on the horn.
  5. Lose focus due to an empty cardboard box.


11. You are approaching a railroad crossing when you hear the sound of a can opener.

  1. It could be tuna.
  2. It has to be tuna, right?

PS - Don't miss Bob Eckstein's new book, coming this August! Check out more about it here
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