HELP WANTED: Seeking Commission-Based Worker

Written by Marty Shambles

HELP WANTED: Seeking applicant who would throw their dog in a wood chipper for a commission

Do people say you're a greedy prick? Do you scan every human interaction for ways to sell people on whatever crap you're hawking? Are you always trying to make a buck? Would you send a right hook into your own mother's face to close a deal?


We're looking for the most avaricious cunts we can find. We don't want a person who could sell ice to an Inuit. We want a person who would cut a deal on an AR-15 to a depressed, teenage 4Channer. We need a real sociopathic piece of shit.


  • Full medical

  • Flex hours

  • Dump truck loads of cash backed directly into the hole inside you, where a soul should be


  • Convincing regular people that you're not the face of death

  • Filling out invoices

  • Stripping the copper wiring from the hollowed out shell of the social contract


  • People who don’t feel "guilty"

  • People who don’t aspire to any "common good"

  • People who think the movie American Psycho is about a cool dude doing cool shit

If you fit these criteria, we have top level positions open in pharmaceuticals, oil and gas, financial services, venture capital, insurance, factory farming, and so much more!!!

To apply, simply slaughter a goat on a moonless night at the crossroads, and one of our reps will reach out immediately. Equal Opportunity Employer.
Want to get access to upcoming live comedy shows before anyone else does? Join our VIP list to get first picks on tickets and surprise discounts.