Jesus' Resume in 2021

The LinkedIn Profile of God, Yahweh,
The Alpha & The Omega, True Light Upon True Light


God

“I am.” | 5X Your Sales Pipeline in Q3 — Just Ask Me How | Dad to +7B | Bringer of the Light | He/Him/She/Her/They/Them

Austin, Texas Metropolitan Area | 500+ Connections


About

Omnipresent. Omnipotent. Literally infinite experience. Works well as an individual and as part of a team. All skills transferable. Thoughts are my own. 


Recent Activity

2,149,004,892 followers


MASSIVE HIRING EVENT: Heaven needs CSRs!

Come join my elite squad of ever-patient customer service angels NO COLD CALLING REQUIRED. No prior experience. Will train the right cherub!

God shared this.


Gary Vanyerchuk: “For a framework that actually works as a frame, the devil’s in the details…”

God replied to a comment.


Experience

All-Powerful, All-Knowing Being

    The Universe  •  As-Needed

    Time Immemorial to Present

    •  Survived a few near misses there, what with the whole “I’m dead” thing.

    •  NPS rating of 7/10 

       •  Never missed a deadline. (I can alter-space-time)

    •  Built several teams from the ground up.


Unpaid Internship

       Earth • Full-time

       0 A.D to 33 A.D.

    Bethlehem region & surrounding burbs

    • Turned water into wine

        • Met some cool people (some really uncool people, too)

        • Learned way, way too much…

        • Left on good(?) terms

        • Still invited back all the time.


------------------------


Jealous, Vengeful Symbol of Oppressive Paternalism

    Anecdotes • Full-time

    10,000 B.C. to 0 B.C.

    Sometimes on mountains but mostly just desert stuff

        • References available upon request.

Education

Colorado State University

Bachelors of Science, Electrical Engineering

1999 - 2003

Graduated Summa Cum Laude 

 

Skills & Endorsements

Strategic Communications: 566,118

Public Relations: 240,702

Community Outreach: 240,701

Email Newsletters: 219,699

Graphic Design:  53,578

Microsoft Office: 1


Reviews

Look I’m a busy guy myself so I’ll make it brief. Hire this guy.

— The Apostle Paul

 

Through Him, all things are possible! How’s that? Where’s my check?

— Joel Osteen

 

God is an amazing, compassionate leader, doer, maker, and most of all salesperson. I worked very closely with God from my first day in the Sears Television Department until my departure to Best Buy. During these few years, I saw an incredible transformation created by His hard work, passion, a unique willingness to learn the difference between plasma and LCD and your everyday cathode ray tube. Plus, He could really sell those after-market warranties better than anybody else. God just… makes things happen! Amen!

— Your Aunt Cathy

 

Accomplishments

Quasars

Ducklings

White Chocolate


Languages

All of them. Even the made-up ones like Dothraki and shit.


Interests

Tesla

Gamestop

Alamo Drafthouse Cinema

Colorado State Alumni Association

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