by: Bob Eckstein
The Top Fifty New Year’s Resolutions For You, Not Me
I’m perfect. So instead of crafting a list of New Years resolutions for myself, this year I’ve have New Year’s resolutions for those in my life who need to get their sh*t together.
50. George, my neighbor upstairs
Two words: trumpet lessons. You need lessons before you pick up that trumpet one more time or, as God as my witness, I will bash it over your head. And this year either carpet your floor and/or join a gym. You sound like Bigfoot up there.
49. My Ex
If I am going to continue to do favors for you, I’m asking you to change totally. The way you talk, act and conduct yourself—everything that is annoying, all new for 2023!
48. Elon Musk
Finish what you start. What happened to you going to the moon?
This is not so much a resolution as a general complaint; You get me to buy the Frosty tag and then you cancel serving the flavor vanilla? What the? Its the most popular flavor in the world and pairs well with your crappy chili. Talk about your bait-and-switch.
46. Mr. Whiskers
The new year is going to being a new attitude around here, Mr. Whiskers. The motto for 2023 is we all have a great Catitude!
45. Guy who screams incoherently each night in front of my building at around 4am
I was thinking for you a nice New Year’s resolution would be to stop screaming incoherently each night in front of my building at around 4am.
44. Jake from State Farm
Jake, I saw more of you than anyone else in 2023 not including the untuck-it guy who brags about how many stores he has opened and how many $ millions he made. Really, you’re going to talk about how rich you got from not tucking in your shirt? Great doctors and scientists around the world have discovered cures that saved millions of lives but have not made as much as you. I don’t need to know that you also now have a line of untuck fashion for the ladies. Look in the mirror and tuck in your shirt. Both you and the guy from State Farm, listen here. Your New Year’s resolutions is for you both take it down a notch and not be on the air every other commercial in 2023.
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