ROTTEN TOMATOES IS BULLSHIT: CRAWL RANKS BETTER THAN STUBER OPENING WEEKEND

This blows my fucking mind.

I read on Hollywood Reporter that Crawl is outperformed Stuber in the opening weekend. Not only that, but Crawl has a 88% on Rotten Tomatoes and Stuber 45%.

What the fucking fuck! Are they serious?

What kind of world do we live in that people think a movie about a gang of alligators that are going around eating people who are stuck in a house during a Category 5 Hurricane is worth 88%.

That couldn’t be more unrealistic...as thinking a guy who ran a bunch of unsuccessful businesses, owned some real estate and had a reality TV show could become president of the United States. 

Oh wait…

I kid people. Don’t get upset. 

You can crack Hillary jokes all day, but as soon as someone blasts Cousin It who got a bad haircut and a horrible spray tan, y’all grab your guns and torches and want to march.

Did you see what I did there?

I digress.

This isn’t political. 

This is about how Rotten Tomatoes is complete and utter bullshit.

Don’t believe them.


CRAWL RANKS

Stuber is a great movie. It’s worth both your time and your money to see it in theaters. You can read my review of it here.

I don’t understand how a movie like Crawl could be rated better than Stuber. I haven’t seen Crawl yet, so maybe I need to go see it.

After some interactions on Twitter, I’m going to sneak off to see Crawl at some point. Main reason is to really see if the hype is real.

I don’t really want to. I don’t want to waste 2 hours of my life and my hard earned money to watch a movie about an alligator gang trying to eat a family. 

Every since the Sharknado craze these ridiculous movie concepts have been coming out. I mean they made Hurricane Heist or whatever that was.

Can the movie financiers just give me that money and I will make a much better movie(s)?

My 8 year old could make a better movie than Crawl or Hurricane Heist. She might have written Sharknado, though.

Maybe that’s what it is. 

They put a bunch of 8 year olds in a room and said come up with a movie. The product is Sharknado, Hurricane Heist, and Crawl.

To prove my point, I’m going to see Crawl.

I really don’t want to, but I am.

STUBER THESIS

This is my theory, Stuber is doing that well during opening weekend because of the marketing. Beyond that, Disney inherited the movie once they purchased Fox.

So, it’s like going on a blind date setup by your best friend’s spouse. You don’t really want to do it, but to keep your word and to keep them from feeding you every so often at their clean house...you take one for the team.

Then you have Kumail who is busy shooting the last season of Silicon Valley. He is so busy he missed his interview with Conan. 

You don’t miss an interview on a huge talk show if you are promoting a movie. David Bautista is a very introverted type person, so he’s doing the bare minimum of promotions.

There was no out of the box type promotions or marketing stunts. You need to make a bang or have lead actors with big social media followings to promote the movie.

Take for example the hardest working small person in Hollywood, Kevin Hart. The little big man i3 5’3, but uses all of his height and weight into promoting his movies.

He has his height times 100,000 as social media followers, so right there he has an advantage.

One part is making a good movie. The majority of the work is in the promotion.

It’s no different than marketing a product or service. You can have a great product, but if no one knows about it, it won’t sell.

Even with the mixed reviews, you still have to promote the shit out of the movie.

Excuse the marketing/sales person in me coming out. 

The point is...Stuber is awesome. Rotten Tomatoes is horse shit. Don’t believe the ratings.

I’ve told all my friends about Stuber and everyone who has seen it...loves it. Go see it!

Help me out, do you trust the tomatoes? 

Has anyone seen Crawl? Is anyone going to go to the movies to see it?