By: Ilana Gordon
Please check your vibes.
We are writing today to alert you that your most recent vibe check was returned to us due to insufficient vibes.
Moreover, while reviewing your account, our employees noticed irregularities relating to your vibe checks dating back at least nine months.
We would like to register our displeasure, and reiterate our policies below.
- Your account was first brought to our attention in April of this year after Trevor from your group chat issued a vibe check by texting “wassup every1 alive?”, and received responses from everyone but you. When you finally answered--two weeks and 53 topics of conversation later--you sent three neutral face emojis and a link to a Billy Joel song, which could mean anything. We would like to remind you that we can only process vibe checks submitted using words, and responses should be submitted no later than twelve hours after the check was first issued. Failure to respond in a timely manner may incite panic within the chat, and will result in a vibe penalty.
- We notice you are still writing “2019” on all your vibe checks. While we empathize with the desire to exist in an alternate timeline--we freely admit to indulging in a few 2014-era fantasies of our own--we must insist that all vibe checks accurately reflect the date on which the check was sent out. Anything less will be considered fraudulent, and will invalidate the vibe check.
- We tracked your ingoing and outgoing vibe checks, and we have concerns about the frequency with which you issue checks to others. According to our records, every time your mother texted this year to ask how you are, you responded with the exact same query. It is against policy to counter a vibe check with another vibe check--it negates both checks and results in a significant amount of paperwork on our end. We don’t want to make assumptions, but we believe you are already in possession of this information, and are purposefully weaponizing this loophole to avoid answering your mother. Please stop doing this, we hate paperwork.
- More distressingly, after analyzing your social media accounts (which we are not legally permitted to do, but enjoy so much!) we have suspicions you may be running a black market, underground vibe-sharing service, colloquially referred to as “The Vibrary.”
- We contend that The Vibrary is nothing more than a pyramid scheme wherein you offer to send three people good vibes in exchange for cash and the phone numbers of three more people who might be open to receiving good vibes. We
- investigated, and if the comments on Yelp are to be believed, you are providing customers with non-FDA approved, off-brand vibes, which have been known to cause uncontrollable mood swings, fits of violence, and erectile dysfunction.
- Our lawyer informed us this business model is not “technically illegal,” and claims that if people are stupid enough to pay for positive vibes without researching their origin, “they deserve whatever’s coming to them.” We disagree, and would like to assert that this reckless disregard for the sanctity of vibes is dangerous, and will not go unanswered. We are keeping a close eye on you, and the second you step out of line, it’s over. So watch your back.
Having aired our full list of grievances, it is our unfortunate duty to inform you that we have placed you on Vibe Probation. Your account is now frozen, and you are hereby prohibited from issuing or receiving vibe checks until this situation is addressed.
If you have questions about the vibes in your account, we invite you to reach out to us directly. We will connect you with an employee who will assess your balance, play you some indie music, and use state-of-the-art facial recognition technology to tell you how you’re vibing.
We also invite you to sign up for a one-on-one consultation with one of our experts for advice on how best to invest your vibes, so your vibes can start working for you!
We trust you will work diligently to rectify the issues addressed in this letter. If we fail to hear from you within the next forty-eight hours, we will assume you are abdicating responsibility over your account, and we will take ownership over any and all vibes contained within (except the off-brand ones. Those we will deliver to a biohazard waste disposal.)
If you believe this letter was directed to you in error, or if you have already sent replacement vibes to replenish your account, we urge you to disregard the contents of this note and enjoy your week!
With fondest regards and the best of vibes,
Your Neighborhood Vibe Bank